My thoughts, continued... (There's more? you may ask...)
For years, I effected to build a company from the ground up. We were two unpaid, highly motivated partners surrounded by a world whose only comment was, Internet? Wazzat!?! We became a couple of well-off guys with a staff of 50 people in the hottest buzzword industry in the land, with one thought between us--we did it.
At the opportunity cost of well-rounded personal development. I recall days I was awakened by our secretary, literally shaken as I lay staring vacantly from beneath my desk, her voice a mere buzz until the words would slowly, painfully become clear..."Your 9:00am meeting is here. Your partner is dead to the world. I've told them you'll be out in a minute." 120-140 hour work weeks could be like that, sometimes. God only knows what I said during those meetings.
Unfortunately, any action, no matter how idiotic, soon becomes normal, subconscious, ingrained -- in other words, habit. My work schedule did this, blotting out all other aspects of my existence to date.
The post I walked was ending, and one of the darkest periods of my mostly Arizona-Bright existence, yet turned out to be the storm necessary to clear me eyes. In essence, this tumultuous time became my savior! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I had escaped alive and well from a potentially shitty situation. Satisfied, not bitter, I was now crazily at a loss for the first time ever.
For you see, now I was sitting on the flat plateau of security and success I'd envisioned much of my life. What I saw wasn't the construct I had always assumed, the heavenly green grass just the other side of the fence. Instead, I now saw the comfortable groundwork, framing the right direction from which to launch new challenges--or was it right?
The old BilFish sat around for a couple of months driving himself bonkers, listlessly sitting home finishing a few projects, envisioning still more, and drained of the intense drive Nature gave him to secure his future. His fear of going hungry and without shelter was removed by his success in business. Wild urges, brought on by desires to achieve more, rampaged through his mind, resulting in fashionably stupid ideas. So, what was wrong?
The re-born BilFish answered with an interesting psychological profile: Young man in withdrawal from habitual workaholic life. Competitive spirit and need for accomplishment acutely undernourished in face of recent resignation from business world. Lost without challenge. Creates sense of challenge opportunity through the roll of the dice. Dangerous, but hopeful.
This was the answer. To deliberately deny that need to achieve was hurtful (it would simply find an uncontrolled outlet when I wasn't looking). To let it run rampant was idiotic. Some channeling was needed. I know, sounds disgustingly ephemeral, or so it did to me. Lack of direction will do that to a guy, ya know?
Finally, I had devised a workable plan. I would spend some quality time building up lost personal relationships, learning to relax, and enjoying friendships and the excitement of travel. Further, I would then exert the effort to record my journeys as a testament to my activitiesa mental yardstick I've successfully employed for yearsand a way to share my life with my friends and family, something I now realize to be of the utmost importance to building lasting happiness and contentment.
Thus, I find myself writing this now, and you find yourself wondering why you didn't skip this section. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, as Seinfeld has recently re-popularized, let's get on with it, right? Well, yes, of course, please get to it already, send us home!